The scientific mind is a beautiful thing. We can stand back in observation, and for me it is useful in fighting tendencies towards narcissism and delusion. I am finding scientific energy really healing this morning because I am on a journey of self love. This requires me to stand back and give my life an objective overview. It requires me to observe my body, achievements, and practices in a way that takes shame out of it. I am able to see that I am achieving the 10,000 step goal plus some, and not give into my desire to overachieve in exercise that comes from a long held psychological addiction related to my old eating disorder. It requires me to have an objective view of my book, and see that I still may fall above average with my writing and achieving a publication. There is no judgement of good or bad. It is what it is. This is science. In a way this is Buddhism as well. To just exist and not judge. In Christianity we learn to accept God’s love into all aspects of our lives despite our humanness; to see that we are truly worthy.

I notice the animus nature of the scientist. It is very male in essence. I am not saying that women and men cannot embody or take on this role and energy equally, but it is very different than the somewhat enmeshed quality of mothering. We need anima and mothering as well, but the animus in scientific thinking is attractive to me as I have always been somewhat enchanted by maleness in the world. I have wanted to embody maleness in myself, and I have preferred the company of men many times. I love my women friends too, but masculine energy is enchanting to me in its ability to stand back, observe and be separate; in its propensity to individuality. Taoism would say this yang quality is of equal measure in all entities as is yin, and there is a flow and relationship to both. Like how we cannot be true scientists if we are not motivated by loving kindness and compassion in order to change the world for the better, which are very yin and anima qualities. The first step, in becoming an observer and stepping back, has a cool male quality to it however, and I am wanting to engage with this energy in order to see myself in the light of actuality.

Thich Nhat Hanh says that when something is ready to manifest it means that the environment is supple and available to receive this new manifestation. When we are ready to manifest something in our lives, it becomes manifest. If the environment is not ready or able, it is simply not time, there is no judgement of good or bad. I am in a place of study and meditation in my life. I am holding off from producing a book, or even other tangible manifestations right now. I am seeing the beauty in cultivating the soil and environment of my life. We all know that there is a cycle to life. Birth and death. And there is a lot of in between. I must right now focus on learning the practices of self love and what my previous accomplishments are teaching me. I am empty space. I am the observer right now. I am not trying to be something or to create. I must let my body, spirit, mind and soul simply exist in order to allow the flow of the next accomplishment. I am okay with this. I desire this. If I cultivate my soil, my environment may be all the more ready for the next thing to manifest in my life.

So the scientist in me is sitting back and observing right now. I am learning to love myself more, I am studying the way of the soul. I am breathing into the tangles of spirit that need to naturally and slowly unfurl in order to be ready to embrace the next thing that I choose to manifest. I am choosing this slowness, this empty space. I am choosing to be slow and listen to my breathing, the uncomfortable moments. I am choosing to be awkward and not always be sure of my next step. I believe this is required of me to learn and grow. This is me tilling and caring for the earth and soil from which my life springs.