Well, I have been reintroduced to the difficult world of medication changes. Mostly it has been okay the last couple of weeks, but this last week I went up from 200mg to 300mg of carbamazepine and I began to suffer from some side effects. Mostly it has been dizziness and this sort of fogginess, but there has been weakness and quite a bit of sleepiness. The sleepiness seems to have subsided, but I am left with this mild dizziness which makes it smart for me to not drink alcohol or drive on the freeway. Unfortunately we have a trip to see Steve’s neurosurgeon this Friday in Seattle, so my mother will be driving us as these side effects can go on for about two weeks before they fully subside.

The crazy thing is that I feel better. I can tell I am doing the right thing. Underneath the haze of side effects, my mind is clear and I feel like myself again. So for now I have simply exchanged difficult symptoms for difficult side effects, but the side effects seem to be not that bad, and they are easier to understand. I feel really proud of myself for putting up with this and I am taking the advice I receive from my Doctor seriously and doing as she says. This puts me in a small percentile of people who suffer from schizoaffective disorder or other similar ailments, because the first and greatest hurdle to overcome is the hurdle of just taking your meds. When faced with the side effects and the medication guides that speak of deathly rashes and liver failure, I can understand why many are thwarted from this necessary path. But it is the necessary path if you suffer with a major brain chemistry deficiency such as I do.

I had to explain to a friend that this is a classic case of nature vs. nurture. Schizophrenia is not caused by child abuse and this has been agreed upon pretty universally among the professionals. Many still think that it is possible to just evaluate oneself, become in touch with oneself, go to therapy, and maybe you can work through the issues; that the issues, the symptoms, are from not being nurtured, or abuse or neglect in one’s life. I had to explain to my friend that I did not end up where I am today because I was abused or neglected, but it is the nature of who I am, the science of my chemistry and genetic DNA that makes me who I am. For this I rely on science to pull me out of the weeds with painfully studied medications. I am an example of nature not nurture. This is who I am. 

I feel very responsible for listening to my doctor and going through once again yet another meds change and evaluation. It was time to reassess, and though it may have seemed that I was fine, I myself didn't even realize how difficult things were for me. I can tell now, as my brain gets reconfigured on a new medication, that things are going to be better, much much better, and I am excited. Somehow, some way, I got over the hurdle, the fear of taking medication and listening to my doctor. It helps that I have a good doctor, and I must say that if I did not I may not be as trusting. It is a strange world, that I am finding even my closest friends and family sometimes do not understand, but I have been living with my disease for twenty years and I have learned a lot about what it takes to survive with it. So today I give myself a gold star of responsibility. I feel I deserve it.