I’ve been thinking more about the difficulty some people have with taking medications, as well as my struggle with accepting this over the years. I just watched a Ted talk on vulnerability and the case for connection, overcoming shame, and knowing that you are enough. In the talk she mentioned that one of the first ways people deal with vulnerability and shame is by numbing. She mentioned how our culture was obese, addicted and over-medicated. From a mental health standpoint, however, taking medications is important for recovery and healthy living. I have struggled with the concept of numbing myself through medications, but recently, as I discussed in my last Blog post, I have rediscovered the importance for medication in my life as a schizoaffective. Now this is a label and I am aware of that. I prefer to think of myself as special, gifted and sensitive. This is true but the facts are the facts, and my inner scientist helps me accept this. This truth is that I am on as little medication that is functionally possible for me to maintain a healthy life. I also believe that the type of numbing medication that this woman is speaking of are benzodiazepines and anxiety medications, perhaps the over use of antidepressants and mood stabilizers in some cases. But my case and that of many others with serious diagnoses are different. The truth is that some medication is important, and though I am subscribed an anti-anxiety medication, lorazepam, a benzodiazepine, I use it very infrequently and with much discretion.

I believe that there is still room in my life for being vulnerable, courageous, and staying connected. I am doing this through bearing my soul in my Blog and writing, and by slowing down and trying to overcome an unbalanced ego. In recent years, the tendency to strive for perfection, achievement, and the need to control myself and my sensitivities, led to my being unkind to myself, resulting in being unhappy and at times cruel to my partner. I had modeled my whole life around not being good enough. I could never work enough, exercise enough, my appearance was not good enough, and was not achieving enough in my life. My breakdown in the spring of 2016 led to me leaving my job and restructuring my life. A year later, I am continuing to adjust my meds and fine tune a general slowing down. I have been on a journey of self acceptance that has looked like me not working, spending hours in meditation and reflection, and time spent enduring and understanding many symptoms and sensitivities. Though I added a new medication last spring, it was time for me to try something else, and week three now of being on a new medication, I feel like I am able to be myself. I am going to continue to overcome a life full of indulging in the ego, however. I am going to continue to push back against things like thinking I am not good enough, striving for perfection, and believing that I should do more.

My life now is filled with so much goodness, and I have become a kinder more sensitive person during this last year. I have changed course and it is obvious to me. Yes, I still have work to do, but with taking my medication, practicing wellness in spirit and body, accepting myself the way I am, and through speaking my truth through my writing, I hope to maintain this course and continue to heal. Life is not always simple, and I have learned that while I need to accept my illness and taking medication, I can still grow and change. Seeking vulnerability, overcoming shame, discovering my courage, and seeking connections and openness to the world and within my sensitive self show the way to a journey that I must embark on now. I do not want to live in a sick society, I want to change it. The ego, an unbalanced and sick ego inside myself, desires to take me down and perpetuate the great illness of our planet and society. But I am grateful, I am learning. I still have faith in science and a trusting soul. This has allowed me to get better. Without medication I would not be where I am today.