This morning takes the cake. I was up at 3:45 and ended up going to the beach to watch the sunrise with a friend at 5am. We sat for several hours and just talked. I then returned home, high on too much coffee and lack of sleep and proceeded to have a little anxiety attack with heart palpitations that made it hard to breath. But the morning was perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing. I have just been pushing myself to care for Steve in the best way possible post major spinal surgery, and I have been trying to stay on top of chores that in a way is unrealistic. Today I am letting it rest. The day started out of the ordinary and I plan to continue this trend and finish the day out of the ordinary which basically means embodying a slacker. I know that may not be the nicest term, but I strive to achieve for less these days. If only I could stop doing things. If only I could stop myself for a day and just space out, write, journal, color in a coloring book and nap. And I am doing this. I am allowing myself a day all to myself. Luckily Steve is able to get around and get his own things and make his own smoothies. He even did some dishes and walked out to the Garden yesterday. I am not totally off the hook but the responsibilities have slackened just a bit.

It is good to take care of ourselves as well. I believe I do this but I also have much to learn I have found out. I am learning to slow down and not be so busy. I am making wellness a priority by a design that speaks of allowing myself to have as well as nurture my feelings and the symptoms that come up. It may be true that I need more medications, and I am going to address this in about a months time, but until then I am just here, living day to day, and trying to manage, still, with a debilitating illness. I make it through, I am “normal” in the good sense that word provokes, but it is hard almost daily. Sometimes I make it through a whole day without any symptoms, but actually I think I have gotten so used to them that they are more present than I realize. What is changing is that I am taking the time to notice and process. It is important for me to sit with what comes up; to relish or savor the day, if I can even use words of such beauty. Really I am just processing. I have spent my life with do do do and I have stuffed these symptoms for years as I learned to take on more and more responsibility. But last spring it kind of bit me in the ass and I found out that I am still very much schizoaffective. It was all thrown back in my face. I have learned a lot since last spring. Probably the most important lesson is that if I don’t listen to myself, if i don't slow down truly and give myself a much deserved break, I will break. This thinner skin could be for many reasons. A med I have been taking may not work as well as my brain has assimilated to it. It may be because of peri-menopause and the fact that my hormones are evolving and changing, affecting my brain chemistry. It may simply be that I am more aware of what is important in life and I have less time for bullshit, less time for self-abuse, and little tolerance for continuing to stress myself out. When I stress myself out I can stuff it or I can feel it, but it is there all the same. Seeming functional just because you are busy as many of us know does not necessarily mean things are functioning properly underneath.

So as I learn to slow down, sometimes it can seem that things are worsening. A friend reminded me recently that there may be a million contributions to or reasons for imbalance and symptoms, even a psychotic break. We can’t always look back in retrospect and comb over the facts to entirely prevent future chaos. It just is. As I continue to learn about just being, I also feel so much more. And I think this is good, but I need more time, I need more space to process. So I am hoping this will make me a healthier human being and will aid me in unraveling the mysteries and challenges that make up who I am today.