I have been on a long journey of seeing my illness as a gift. Even using words like illness, psychosis or disease can harbor negativity in the body. I also want to value myself fully. I want to live compassionately every moment, through every decision, through every impulse, emotion, and feeling toward myself. Being Bipolar or Schizoaffective involves very unpredictable behavior, an unquiet mind, heightened anger and grief, and at times being paralyzed with symptoms when life duties call. Even the word symptom comes from a western medicine model that exists in a society that is not compassionate to the gifts of mental illness. I am trying to honor my symptoms as real feelings with real value. This avoids seeing my life in a petri dish, myself as a subject of a psychological experiment.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a place for science in my life and I would not be as well as I am today without it. But it is still important to transcend all of these labels and these words that ultimately lead to myself seeing and viewing myself with a lack of compassion. Recently I came down with a flu and I am still not recovered. Today is day twelve of suffering with a head cold, cough, and frailty. The fever only lasted the first few days and I have improved greatly, but I still sound and act sick. Again, there is truth to the fact that I contracted a virus. We know this science and medicine lives in a factual realm. But still, seeing the way this illness has affected my mental health, and having deep thoughts during this time has lead to me seeing this illness as a “shamanic illness”. There is opportunity. This is a time for me to make breakthroughs and work through some very deep issues, patterns and problems that lay heavy on my soul and subconscious.

I have been arguing with my husband several times since the fourteenth when I had a pretty sever case of emotional instability. I have found that I have things to work on in the area of honoring him as my number one partner and not running off in a frenzied state to other people. I have learned that I can be negative and harsh to him in the same way that I treat myself, as if he is not here, but just a figment of my subconscious. I have gotten so used to his presence, it is like I am not seeing him. These fights have been really good. We have uncovered some deep issues that need real and holistic healing. We came to this place with my parents being gone, with both of us having the flu, and me being emotionally ripped open. My folks still have a profound affect on me. It is important that I still discover my individuality and strength of identity at my age. I have been living slightly veiled, and I want to awaken to the truth that is me. I need space for this. I now know I can take this space.

So, similar to me realizing this flu has opened up opportunity for healing and passage through major issues, I too need to look at my life path with my mental illness this way. Again, I use the words mental illness. Just as a flu is a flu, a mental illness is a mental illness. There is strength in accepting these labels as well as transcending them. But even though I have a diagnosis with a firm basis in science and I must depend on this in certain realities, I can change the language I use in my head. I am a gifted sensitive person. I am prone to vision quests. I am sensitive to energies and other realities. I have a strong and powerful imagination. My emotions live on the surface. So I will love myself. I will treat myself compassionately in every moment and allow myself, an independent adult to meet the needs I have. I will be true to my husband and value his opinion and I will lean to him for support above anyone else. This has been a time of great learning. I am learning to go on a vision quest without losing myself completely. I am learning to honor my being in the way it wants to exist naturally in this world. I promise now, that I will stand by myself in a loving way and feed myself loving words that will aid me in self acceptance. Here is to continuing to grow and wake up to the realities that beckon at our doors.