It is really interesting how a time of illness can become a time of reflection. For the last three days I have been suffering with the flu and I have completely shut down all operations in order to preserve energy and take care of myself. A few days before I came down with the illness I had a very potent therapy session. I spent that day in a state of depression, fighting off deep sadness. I succeeded in catching myself headed into a downward spiral and used the soft snuggling of my dog to pull me out. Although I needed to honor my dark emotions, I also needed to keep my head above the flood and fight the symptom of depression. The following day was the day of the storm and I was in bright spirits, I played in the weather and went for bike ride in the rain. I walked the dogs in the wind and felt full of joy. The next morning I was ill, and so then have been in deep reflection of some of the things that were brought up for me in that therapy session.

I have never been a proponent of therapy. All my life I have resisted it. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with me, my life path, my personality, my body, or my personal and spiritual growth. I love going to therapy now and I find that I have a lot of unraveling to do. I was trained early on growing up in a home of conflict that there was something wrong with me and that I needed to be good and achieve in order to make the conflict go away. This persisted into my teens when I struggled with an eating disorder and my adult life while struggling with mental illness. All along I have needed the message “There is nothing wrong with you. There is endless possibility, change only if you want to.” This is a quote form a guided meditation that a dear friend turned me onto last week. While I maintain an achievement mentality, I continue to perpetuate the story that there is something wrong with me. I am trying to silence the conflict by being better and doing something more. Truth is, I am perfect just as I am. I must take the time to get to know myself and allow myself to blossom.