It has been way too long. I guess you could say I have been on a spiritual sabbatical of sorts, of which included as little of my personal time on the computer as possible.

I did an exercise for a couple of Fridays in a row called a Sozo with my friend who is wise, sensitive, and a new spiritual teacher of mine. She has shown and explained some things to me I never imagined possible. And here I am today to write about the journey I have taken; to know myself through knowing God, and having a weight and burden lifted from my soul through the glowing illuminated and cleansing blood of the Prince of Peace. This may sound bizarre to some folks, but I will say that the more I understand about the Bible, God, and the purpose that Jesus came to this earth to fulfill, and as I relate to it in the epicenter of my soul, the less afraid I am to speak of this truth that I have found.

In my past I have discussed and written about shocking things because it made me feel like I stood out, I always felt unaccepted and different in my life, and yet now I know that the reason for this is because I was blessed with gifts that I am only beginning to understand and feel in their purity. I still am plagued with anger and reactionary behavior, and I am not perfect, I never was no matter how hard I strove for this. A lot of my anger comes from not being able to accept that I am not perfect, and that expectation extends to others.  I am constantly disappointed in the world, yet I felt shame if I did not show it love. I suffer from the pain and fear of not being accepted, heard, and I fear punishment extremely; this is in the absence of belief.

I have learned that God’s love does extend to me, and envelops me in a light and soft acceptance like no other. I do not have to try or prove anything to be loved and I do not have to carry the burden of all of my pain and fear around with me on these weary knees and legs. I have discovered that the world is not a perfect place, where I must dive into without a shield to try and fix it when I see that there is suffering. The fact that evil does exist is a huge relief. It makes sense. Judgment, greed, abuse, neglect and cruelty are everywhere, yet I believed that I must believe that everyone is good. Honestly, that is not my job. I am not God. With this realization I have discovered that I do not need to let harm or evil affect me, take me in, and corrode away at my sensitive being. I have a shield, a helmet, and now I have a sword and I intend to use it. I am ever in your debt, Jesus, for taking this pain from me, yet I know all that you desire from me is my love… and you have it!

“Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so that you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” –Ephesians 6: 13-17