Yesterday I went to hang out with some beautiful women. We were at my neighbor’s house; there was wine, goodies, and clothes. My friend Britney was standing before us with a beautiful display of new Cabi clothes, the Spring 2014 line, and sharing with us all of the wondrous designs, colors and styles of these flattering garments. I wasn't sucked in immediately, but soon found myself highly entertained and enjoying the company of some fabulous women. When the presentation was over, the music came on and the true fun began. This was the point when I was going to leave and attend a singing prayer night at the community church, but I couldn't tear myself away from the excitement, companionship, and pure womanliness of the sharing of delving into stylish clothes while communing, chatting and showering each other in praise and good advice. I tried on a pair of yoga pants, a tank and a tech tank, blowy and knit scarf top, leggings and a lovely flowing deliciously lighter blue spring sweater. I wanted then and had every intention of spending the money and having the new clothes show up on my doorstep the following week.

It was a lovely evening and I am grateful to Britney and Willow for hosting a deliciously divine event where I felt welcome, love, companionship, beauty and strength. I felt it was my divine right and deserved gift to shell out the $400.00 for what would make me happy, beautiful and honored as a lavish and lucky woman.

Then reality kind of it hit when I called Steve to clear with him my plans. He said no, would not meet me halfway or allow me to but one $100 item. I can agree with him on many levels that this is a frivolous expense that we really cannot afford. Still I spent the night dreaming about Cabi, and woke up looking at the catalog, fine tuning my purchase and scheming a way to have my father front the bill for my Birthday. In reality I believe a better way to spend the money, mine or otherwise would be on medical bills and a naturopath, medical bills for Steve or an investment in a refrigerator for our food business. There were some thoughts that I was pulled into it for the lovely companionship, that I can fit into the larger sizes now, and some regret that I am not able to work hard and just make the money I would like to spend on myself on lovely clothes that make me feel important, worthy and beautiful. I am disabled, yet talented, and there are limits to how I can expend my efforts into a career, an education or a regular work day. I feel spending money this way is contradictory to my beliefs and everything I write about on this blog, yet I can’t stop feeling how wonderful I would feel if I owned these clothes. It proves to me what simple creatures we are as humans, women. All we need is to feel lovely and deserving. I feel we would go without many things just so we could live for a day as a princess with all of the things and decorations a simple princess deserves. I have to let it go, for now. Sometimes being deep and wise does not feel as satisfying as a welcome indulgence, yet I do not need these clothes, and I feel this is a lot of what the desire is about. Sometimes going beyond our needs, or realizing that we have needs that are fundamental that are not being met with day to day struggle is important as well. Today I will continue to shower myself with the praise and belonging that followed me home from the gathering last night. Perhaps I can still take something away from the evening; knowing I am and can live as a ‘princess’ if only for a fleeting moment among friends. Thank you, Willow and Britney, for this small and very special gift.