Do you ever wonder how people actually perceive you? I was listening to the song on the radio “You’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no, you’re in and you’re out, you’re up and you’re down, you’re black and your white, you’re wrong then you’re right, we fight and break up, we kiss and make up… on a Bipolar Rollercoaster!” It goes something like that. This is me… I do this. This is actually me. I work day and night to survive my condition, and correct it in any way possible. But when I was listening to this song in respect to some difficulties I was having with close friends lately, I listened and was proud of this ‘fault’. Yes this is me, I try, but I will own up to it and be proud. I also like the top 40 song. It has a sing-it-out-loud quality. It felt good to in my mind confess and admit to ‘the world’ a reality that I potentially am not very proud of, is hard for me to control, and is a condition that affects others in a way that I am not always aware of.

Is there any way to really know what other people see? This is why I have been making the effort to not turn on the television, and just stare at the wall. While I am staring I think about things like this. It takes a long mental exercise to wrap your brain around some subjects that require you to think out of the box, or beyond your own reality and life knowledge. Like for me being single at 34 and having never had a relationship last is a hard one, being truly old, or just old like in your 50’s or 60’s. What’s that like?

I know some of us do think regularly about what it is like to be African American, and Immigrant, or maybe even try to realize what it is like to be hungry every day. I encourage myself and others if they want to join in, to take these moments of emptiness to realize and ponder realities outside of our own. What would it be like to have never spoken on a phone, used a computer, seen a television or texted? I imagine for some younger folks today this would be a good place to start. There are still humans in the world who have never used a telephone, or a toilet.

I wish to expand my mind to work on traits like compassion, empathy, observation, and awareness. It may be simple to assume that we get it now and again. We try; we are self-aware, globally conscious people. But do we really get it? Is this even possible? I believe to get close we must really make an effort. Is our culture narcissistic and self-absorbed? Perhaps it is really true. Perhaps we distract ourselves too often with food, drugs, media, or self-absorbed thinking. There are people that say we need to stop thinking, make our minds blank, breathe in and out, and watch the clouds float by. I do think this is a helpful practice that one should explore. But what about it being a passage we travel through to approach truly thinking; pondering things once the clutter is gone that need to be pondered; expanding our minds through deeper thinking. I myself like to think and analyze, I do it well, and instead of accepting that I need to stop this completely, I will try to use it to a greater end than torturing or pleasing myself. I will not worry, but I will explore.