Do I really want to experience life to the fullest? What does this mean? I don’t believe scars are jokes, but we do learn from them. Why do we make mistakes? Are we just pawns in a bigger plan, are we meant to resist all the ways of the world and become as pious and righteous as humanly possible? Flaws are there for a reason, but when one slips, it can be truly frustrating for one or the people around them to find meaning in the pain. After a while the pain becomes a deep frozen pool and we just skate across it. Doing my work I have made attempts to thaw this lake and feel and understand the life that is within. There is life within, under there, making sense, giving life meaning.

We are meant to bend, we are meant to be flexible with the wind. We are meant to ask questions, we are meant to do our very own soul searching. I have many double standards in my life. I seek to honest; to be able to tell anyone my truth though I know the world often chooses to live within an illusion that prescribes to the pastel misapprehensions of what life really should be. And yet I am a private person. I don’t want people telling me what to do. No one owns me; I am comfortable with the icy solitude of making mistakes, living with them, the thoughts that come, the time this buys me to get some personal time with myself.

Life seeks to pin one into a position. Be it the church going mother of two, or the perpetual adulterer. But do our actions define us? God knows all about human nature. Yes there are choices, and maybe one can truly save their soul by speaking a one sentence belief and dipping in the water. I do also believe that one must work for their salvation. Life is bumpy; life is mushy and has texture. One must push through the soft layers and understand the hard difficult places. Sometimes to be able to understand these places, to reach the people that are drowning under the surface one must dive in like a bodhisattva and sacrifice for the better good. I believe salvation is inner freedom. We can lie to ourselves so easily because we are not God. God may live within us, but I cannot abandon my cause simply because I slip, because often one must break an egg to make an omelet. There are no absolutes, all shades of grey exist between two points, pure dark, pure light, would imply there is an actual end. The universe, heaven, hell, are shades of grey, our existence has many levels. I seek to understand, to care; I can be so sensitive and so hard in the very same life. I choose to honor all of the textures. I choose to see the beauty in the portrait, whether it exudes and portrays utter grief or utter joy. Value is relative, and we have no idea of the depths of the lake on which we stand; the source from which we were formed.